Today is my first day as a college student, and I am excited to learn, especially in my course which is Business Management, because my dream is to have a clothing business in the future. I arrived at school too early, so I did a tour of the entire university first. The university is so big that walking around is exhausting. I then noticed a rise in the number of students arriving, some on walking and some by car. Since the university’s design is mountainous, there are many trees, tables, or benches to hang on to, and I can’t help but take pictures of all the beautiful scenery I see around me. I came first and sat on the bench; there weren’t many people sitting here, so I came here. It’s embarrassing because you’re on that bench with nearly all of your colleagues. While taking the picture, I was struck by the image of a woman looking up and walking towards where I was seated. I didn’t stop recording, but I focused even more on the face and what it was wearing. She dressed in high-waisted pants, a navy blue windbreaker top, and a nude sando blouse on the inside. I also noticed that the woman was white, slim, tall, clean, and beautiful, so her dress fits her well. And she’s now approaching the camera slowly.

“Hello, do you know where the business management building is? I’ve been looking for it for a while now, but I can’t find it.” She asked. When she suddenly began speaking in front of the camera, I was shocked. I almost dropped the camera, but luckily I had lace on my hand.
 
“Is this your first year?” I asked her after I lowered the camera and adjusted it because it was about to fall off earlier.
 
“Uhm, yes, you?” Wondering her face while speaking to me.
 
“Me, too, and business management is also a course I’m taking.” I looked at her first before speaking because I was staring at the camera.
 
“Oh my goodness, yes! Let’s go together, shall we?” After she spoke, she suddenly smiled and happily stood beside me while holding my arm like a child clinging to joy.
 
“There’s no problem.” I said.
 
When we discovered that we were taking the same course and going to enter at the same time because we found out that we were going to be classmates, she suddenly moved across from me and attempted to see the video of herself earlier.
 
“Because you’re blocking the view, you’re ruining it.” I said while laughing and looked at her wickedly.
 
“Oh really, why didn’t you stop? hahaha.” And we both laughed and talked a lot.
 
Cassandra is her name. She is new to the province since she is from Manila. She is temporarily living with her grandmother and decided to study in the province because her parents are abroad, and there is no one to look for her in Manila, unlike here, her grandmother is available here. 
 
Since that day, Cassandra and I have been best friends. All is fun and great, I’m always at their house because Cassandra and I are always partners in school projects, even her grandmother knows me, and she even takes me on vacations too with her grandmother. Until everything changed between the two of us and gradually faded our friendship after we started 4th-year college and I gained weight.
 
In the three years that Cassandra and I have been together, I have not heard from her what she notices or concerns about me. She was just quiet and didn’t go with me anymore, even in school projects she had others with her. I wonder, I don’t know, what is there in me? I have done nothing wrong to her.
 
I was already in the classroom but Cassandra was not there yet. The class has already started to start but it still isn’t there. Eventually, it came in late. She even looked at me, at the same time avoiding her gaze and walking straight to her seat.
 
“Okay, you need to find a partner for you to make a photo journal about your dreams in life.” The Professor said. I suddenly looked at Cassandra’s place because we have a lot in common and we are almost all the same so it will just be easier for us. After the professor speech and dismiss the class. I quickly went to Cassandra and asked her to be my partner. I saw her notice me walking towards her, but she avoided it.
 
“Cass? let’s partner. We both dream of having a clothing business in the future, it would be easier for both of us if we work together.” I said not taking my eyes off her.
 
“I’m sorry, but I already have a partner, all right, thank you. I am going home.” She suddenly arranged her things and quickly left the classroom. The other classmate who had heard burst out laughing and when I stared at them, they quickly left the classroom.
 
I was so surprised by what was going on, I don’t know what I did but I need to talk to her. I knew she hadn’t returned home yet, so I went to their house first to wait and speak with Cassandra.  Her grandmother saw me and asked me to sit down before feeding me. I suddenly heard the door opening, meaning that Cassandra had returned home. She saw me as soon as she opened the door and ran upstairs to her room before she could enter. Before it could get in, I quickly blocked the door so it couldn’t close.
 
“What’s the problem? Why are you keeping your distance from me? Cassandra wasn’t like that when I first saw her. What’s the problem? I’m confused and I’m not doing something wrong to you.” After I finished speaking, I saw her bent over without any visible response.
 
“Take a look at yourself.” She said. I was taken aback when it suddenly spoke, and I cannot understand what she meant.
 
“What about me? What’s the problem? What’s the matter with me?” I checked myself from head to toe. We just wore the same shoes, and I was also wearing the dress she had given me. I also tried to imitate her short hair, which was messy and ash-gray in color.
 
“You’re no longer the woman I knew I saw sitting and taking pictures around the school. You imitate me and what’s worse, you imitate all my actions, looks, tools, words and clothes. Even if it doesn’t matter to you, you wear it. because you want to imitate me because you idolize me? Don’t do that, don’t dream that you can be with me in your dreams, don’t want us to be the same as everyone else because you’re crazy.
 
“We’ve been together for three years, in the beginning yes I accepted you because I thought you were just like that because we call each other like brothers. But as time goes on you change what you don’t know. Simple, you imitate me, you also change your clothes. Where are you going? It’s scary, I can’t just tell you but the amount of attention. Do you think I won’t notice that you take my own clothes without saying goodbye? My make -up that you use. For what? Grandma always tells me that you always come here to clean up, so where do you go at ten o’clock at night? I’m sleeping but you enter the room without my permission just to get my things. It’s scary, you’re scary.
 
My mind is so blank, nothing enters it; my feelings are also burning up and I feel like I want to hurt. Everything Cassandra says makes me feel so hot, she is also gradually fading in my sight, her voice is also weakening.
 
“Cassandra?… Cassandra …?” I called Cassandra to say sorry but when I approached her, it is like there was someone from my back that pushed me to sink Cassandra … and that was the last thing I remembered.
 
I woke up very bright and all-around was pure white. There is no one else but me so I stood up in bed and started to stand up to leave the room.
 
“Ma’am, don’t be naughty. Let’s just stay in the room ma’am so that you can get better.” While speaking, the woman in white let me in my room and made me lie down.
 
“I’m okay thanks but huh? I’m still with my friend Cassandra, where is she? I want to see her.” I said while looking at what she was doing, she’s putting medicine in the syringe.
 
“Yes ma’am you can see her, 2 more years.”. She said while putting the syringe in my arms.
 
“Huh, 2 years? where am I?” I asked the woman in a white dress while organizing my things.
 
“You’re in a mental hospital, ma’am.” and then it all went blank.

By:Eliza Buenaobra
She was an ordinary girl leaving in an ordinary life. Leila was born in a family that was in the silver lining , her parents has a junk shop business her father was collecting garbage he used to be a government employee who collects garbage from different places. Her mother was a housewife she was the one who’s taking good care of their children. They are four siblings all of them are studying but when time goes by their older son needs to work but he graduated a two year course in college.
Then suddenly his father got a work, a decent work as a guard in the public school. At first it was good he was working really hard and doing his job perfectly.
One night when her father got home Leila noticed that her father was drunk walking.
“Dad are you drunk?” Leila said.
He looks at Leila and just smiled
“Hahahehe Leila! My daughter, Daddy is not drunk hahhaah.” He replied.
Leila watched his father poorly walking towards their bedroom. And her mother woke up that has an angry face.
Her dad was bored in their life he used to immerse from his vices like drinking alcohol and smoking. And by that Leila’s parents are always fighting, her father totally neglect his responsibility he will go to his work under the influence of alcohol and sometimes he never go to work. Her father’s performance affects his work he was a fired on the job.
And he wants to leave his family. He was packing his clothes and things.
“I’m going out of here. I don’t want to be with you anymore.” He said
“Go! You’re free! No one will stop you! Don’t you ever come back here! From now on you don’t have a family!” Leila’s mother said.
Leila and her siblings heard everything they said, they are crying in the corner of their room they know that they have nothing to do with it.
Her father leave them without hesitation.
On that day Leila was longing for a father’s image she used to stare father and daughter in the park that was happy. Leila study hard to become her parents be proud of her. Leila’s older brother was the bread winner of the family, he was the one who supported Leila and his younger sisters study. And also he was the one who supported their financial needs. In that case Leila’s mother used to become a street food vendor she sells different foods like banana cue, turon, halo-halo and many more. Leila usually help her mother in selling their food and also after school she always do a house hold choirs washing plates, cooking rice and cleaning house. Sometimes when Leila has a mistake her mother was mad and sometimes hurt her.
“Leila what are you doing? Why did you throw away the oil?” Her mother said with mad face.
“Mom I’m sorry It was just an accident. Forgive me Mom it was not my intention”. Leila said.
And by that she was quickly beaten by her mother. Leila was shocked and her mother continuously beaten her again and again.
“Mom stop! Please! Ouch! It hurts! Please!”. Leila’s begging.
“You never learn! slapI always say that be careful!(Slap) Your always acting like clumsy!slap”.Her mother said with extremely voice.
“I’m sorry …. mom. sobbing I will be careful some … some other time.sobbing”.
Leila went to her room crying and thinking on what happen. After crying Leila realized that her mother has a point because she wasted an oil knowing that they lack their budget.
That night when they need to go to bed her mother came to her and talk to her on what happened a while ago.
“I’m sorry Leila I beat you I was just tired with work. I’m just carried away by my emotions a lots of problems are circulating in my mind”. Her mother said.
“It’s okay mom I understand , I also have a mistake I’m sorry”. Leila said.
Time goes by Leila was a Senior High school student together by her younger sister. Leila was studying even harder , she was always an honor student.
“Good morning class” Teacher said.
“Good morning Ms. Malco” students replied.
“I have an announcement for today, I have here the results of our top students for this semester. Okay for our Top 3 Ms. Leila Buesto clapping”.
In every event and occasion her mother was always supporting her. Leila and her younger sister join singing contest her mother stay by her side and supported her. That results of over fatigue and exhaustion her mother collapsed right after her performance. During her performance he was finding her mother to the audience but she felt to see it. After her performance she quickly find her mother and got shocked when people saying that she needs to go to the hospital.
“Mom are you okay? sobbing mom please wake up! Leila’s trembling . Doctor please do everything to save my mom”. Leila’s said with worried voice.
—Flashback —

When she was in the waiting area she remembered past experiences when her mother got to the hospital before. Leila celebrated her 18th birthday with the hospital, she was standing in front of her mom seeing her mom with lots of apparatus in the body crying and talking to her mom that she needs to be okay and be strong. She was sleeping in the waiting area with the other family member of other patient. She needs to be there to secure her mothers needs like medicine, adult diaper and many more.
—End of Flashback—
After a few hours her older brother and her older sister came.
“What happen to mom? “Her Older brother said.
“The doctor said mom has heatstroke again and she was half stroke right now their was a complication there is blood clot on her brain that causes her to speak hardly and can’t recognize us”. Leila said.
In a month her mother needs to go home but her mother can’t recover easily. They need to take good care of her mother because she can’t walk and even eat by her self. It was hard for Leila and her younger sister to handle their time taking care of their mom while studying, their professors noticed that they are absent and it affects their performance in school.
“Ms. Leila Buesto and Rose Buesto I noticed that you are always absent and late”. Principal said.
“We’re really sorry Mr. James our mother was stroke right now she can’t walk and even eat by her self”. Rose replied .
And also Mr. James I’m thinking If I quit school to focus my mothers healing”. Leila said.
“I totally disagree with that we can think other solutions by your problem. Okay. I will scheduled your subject with your flexibility. One of you scheduled MWF and one of you are TTh and vice versa”. Is that okay with you? Principal said.
“Yes Mr. James! Thank you so much!”. sisters grateful replied.
Their mother feels better when times past. Leila is entering her college life. It was not easy because she dosn’t passed her examination in the university.
One night her father came back to their house , he was drunk and angry.
The next day early in the morning Leila’s father came back in good condition he was not drunk this time. Leila open her problem on his father that she doesn’t have school this college. Days past it’s Leila’s 20th birthday they prepared a simple celebration. Right after Leila’s birthday they’ve got a phone call in their aunt in their province.
Phone Ringing
Kring. Kring. Kring
“Hello? Sie, Rose, Leila ? Hello? sobbing“. Aunt julie on the phone.
“Hello Aunt julie? Good morning!”. Sie , Leila’s older sister.
“Sie!crying your dad… sobbing your father was dead sobbing“. Aunt julie said
Sisters have nothing to say with the news that they receive. They planned to go to their province together with their mother. At first the siblings has an hesitation to say to their mother on what their father situation, they are worried because their mother was stroke.
Leila was worried about her father because according to their relatives the last thing that her father told was about her college school.
One year after Leila entered college and live somehow a good life ,not until her mother needs to go to the hospital again for another complication. They have lots of financial problem their hospital bill increase every single day. The doctors did many times to revive the life of their mother because of the intense complication. Until the tragic situation happen.
“Cold blue. Cold blue. Doctors please proceed to the ICU”.Speaker in the hospital.
“1,2,3 clear, 1,2,3 clear”. Doctor said.
“Tttttooootttttttt” machine sounds straight line
“Time of death 9:47 am”.
“I’m sorry I did my best but your mother didn’t make it”.
It was a heart felting moment, Leila and her siblings are crying loudly and her older sister screaming and shouting, she has a high emotions on what happen.
After the burial Leila mesmerizing everything that she aspire in life and her childhood memories. Leila ‘s dream when she was a child is to have a happy and complete family. The Journey of Leila is not easy her life are full of tragic experiences. But she was very thankful to the Lord that she experience all of that because she become stronger. Leila has a night dream she saw her mother and father are together in heaven they are happy. Leila realizes that her dream come true, she always wanted to have a happy family and knowing that her parents are happy together in heaven.

By: Maria Ysabelle Chua

Let’s call the boy “Raven.”
If Raven did not start saying “Hi,” I wouldn’t have noticed him. In fact, he had said “Hello” to me many times already before I realized that he was actually my lab classmate of mine who I’ve been sitting a few tables away from me all semester. Yes, Raven was really nothing special.
Except he asked for my number game over. Before school closed for the summer break, he asked me and said he wanted to greet me on my birthday. I made excuses, but he insisted. I gave in. He called. Often. We became close friends.
For the sake of our friendship, I ignored the rumors and the chocolates on Valentine’s Day. It was harder to ignore the little notes he left on my locker: “Didn’t see you today ah. Went home na. Talk to you tonight, okay?” It was even harder to ignore the kilig feeling that sparked in me when I read them.

But I couldn’t turn a eye to the dozen roses of them all around my car one day. Friendship it just wasn’t the word for it anymore, and I know it I can’t be wrong. I opened my eyes to the fact that he was treating me like a girl not a guy friend anymore. But why would he do that? I wasn’t gay. Was I? The boundaries of our relationship were out of seen already; it was only a matter of time before one of us crossed the line.
It was raining that day I told him. I was at university, at the hallway on the bench, and nervous as hell. The day could not end without me knowing what we were just friends or… at the time I could not even bring myself to consider that we could only stay friends. But I knew there were feelings between us that I didn’t understand and that I wanted to be more because it could be the best thing that ever happened to me. You always see the bright side when you’re in love.
He picked up the phone.
“Raven, I have to tell you something. Promise me to just listen because I’m only going to say this once, and if you don’t hear it, bahala ka na, basta I said it na ha.”
And I said it: “I’m in love with you, Raven.”
We were supposed to live happily ever after I loved him, and we were close friends. These stories always end happily. But instead, there was quietness.
Later on, he told me he is not gay. The roses, the phone calls, the playlist he played for me on the phone these where things guys did for the ones they loved but not with me. So how could he not be in love with me after all? It was an emotional distress and a love crisis all at once. He made me question who and what I was and changed the way I saw myself and who’s around me.
Whatever it was, it ended. And though our ending was forever after, it wasn’t happy.
But it was also a beginning.
It wasn’t really about “coming out gay” for me because it was something I was hiding in the closet. It was just that I had only began to realize who I really was. After “the Raven thing,” times were a bit hard. Aside from the heartache I felt because of the end of the relationship and the confusion that cause me because I was discovering my true identity, there was the added trauma of dealing with a judgmental society. People who knew me insisted I had been in the closet for too long because they always had suspected I was a gay, as if I had been pretending not to be gay. That was a bit harsh. They were intentionally calling me a liar to my face, and the worst kind, too, because I had been lying about who I was so they felt it.
On the other side, there were people who felt I was pretending to be gay. They looked for evidence when they should have looked at the person. Aside from the fact that I didn’t fit their group of gayness, hadn’t I had a girlfriend for some time before I guess? Did I still not like girls?
True, I used to have a crush on a girl in my barkada (before I met Raven) who later became one of my really good friends. And after Raven, I had a relationship with another girl, which also ended though we are now still close friends. But when every time I thought about it, that’s what girls were to me really, friends. I used to “fall in love” with them because they were caring and kind, I wanted to develop in myself. I used to like woman who fit the “mother image.” They’ve since become like sisters to me then.
It was different with guys. No brotherly love here, I wanted something more than just friends. There’s an attraction that isn’t there with your friends. Let’s say it, sexual attraction is what defines ones sexuality. No matter how close we are with our girlfriends or how much we care about them, there are bounds we won’t ever cross because they’re straight, and we are gay.
No matter what people thought or say, I knew I was no great fraud. I was just continuing to be myself. I did not start to dress or talk differently or make an effort to show off my newfound self. Being gay wasn’t a role I had to take on, so why should I change clothes or put on a show?
Remembering the “signs” were there, even when I was young. I used to think homosexuality developed because of his/her environment or because who influences him/her while growing up, but now I believe people are born homosexual. Even earlier than I can realize, I was gay-even before my gay friends, my theater group, my first love, and all the other reasons one would explain why I “became gay.” I cleaned up my room the other day, I came across an old story I’d written when I was in fifth grade. Whenever I would describe a female character, the illustration would be short, sometimes just giving her a name. With the male characters, my imagination really outflows. The story would read something like this: ‘This is Issa. She has a best friend named Robin. Robin is so cute. He has an athletic body and likes to play baseball, and he wears short trunks.’ And this was before I even knew what being gay was.
There was no dramatic happen with my family where I sat them all down for my big confession. I didn’t feel the need to tell them I was gay, and I didn’t need to hear them saying they accepted me. Do I need them to tell me they are straight? Of course no.. Being straight or gay doesn’t define you as a person. You are what you are, no explanation needed. I didn’t change, so the way they treated me didn’t change too. Even before I realize I was gay, I’d openly point out cute guys when we go out, and they just laugh. There was nothing for them to adjust to, because I was just being me. Matthew, their son, their brother who just happened to like boys.
I think my mama has always know I was gay because she will tell me telltale stories from my childhood how I liked to dress up as a girl and dance. It was a little harder for my father and brother the men in the family but they were understanding. I’ll still give them the grandchildren they want if I can. Since the Philippines is a Catholic country, sadly, I don’t see that happening in the future. One of the greatest joys in the world is to be a father/mother. It hurts to think I could be poor of that just being gay.
I think gay people like me are the loneliest people in the world, especially here in the Philippines, because they don’t guarantee of companionship in their later years, they can’t get married, have a family, or adopt children to give them love and care when they grow older. For gay people, their friends are all they’ve got, especially if their families don’t really accept them. I’m thankful that I have friends guys, girls, and gays whom I know I can count on, hopefully, for life.
I wish there were more Wills (from Will and Grace sitcom) in local media instead of the gay expression we see. Here, gays are illustrated in only one way as comic figures with their shocking behavior and clothing, and their absurd humor. It would seem the reason gays are put on this earth is simply to make others laugh for entertainment. Just because we are “gay” doesn’t mean we are naturally happy. We’re not automatically funny because we look unlike. Is it too much to ask that we ask some respect in the media and in society?

Not all gays are parlor/salon gays. I’m not. But still, I can’t judge those who are. They are still gay, like me, and they are just human like you and me. It’s not their obligation to change who they are. It’s society’s obligation and responsibility to change the way we view them.
In a perfect world, “That’s so gay” or “Bakla!” would be a compliment, not downgrading. We would be considered normal. Right now, we have conditioned ourselves to be proud of our unlikeliness to think of it as being special. But it gets tiring loving yourself for being special. I never asked to be special, ever.
In a perfect world, we had to be the heroes of the movies and our movie like lives. People think of gays as second girls the sidekick, the supporting cast, the best friend. Gays are not just women trapped in a man’s body because there’s also a male part to our person. We are gays trapped in a man and woman’s world. We don’t get our own check boxes under gender, our own public restrooms, our own storylines.
In a perfect world, I’ll get my happily ever after and be able to tell you the story of my gay, gay life. I wonder when that will be.